Is it self-sabotage or self-love? In over 30 years as a therapist I have marveled at the effort my clients make to change and to grow. These efforts include trying new and difficult behaviors, dealing with their painful emotions and asserting themselves in their relationships. I see people struggle to free them¬selves from the controlling influence of a parent or some other toxic relationship. It’s as though they are climbing a steep, rocky mountain, achieving one hard-won handhold or foothold at a time.
Yet, so much of the time, an invisible hand seems to reach out to undermine the efforts, digging the dirt and rocks out from under each emotional handhold or foothold, resulting in a backward slide. Despite their battles, clients feel they are not making any progress but instead are going in circles. And despite their achievements, it’s difficult to take credit and feel good about themselves. What is behind this seeming contradiction? It is their relationship with self!
Everyone, to some degree, fights some form of self-doubt, self-criticism and the sense of not being OK or enough. These conflicts take you out of alignment and interfere with your purpose and optimal functioning. This makes it difficult to be resilient!
This self-sabotage is typically unconscious as well as unintentional. You may be quick to notice that you need to end a toxic relationship with someone else. But if the problem is how you treat yourself, you are less able to see it or believe it.
Dr. Stephen Sideroff is an internationally recognized expert in resilience, optimal performance, addiction, neurofeedback and alternative approaches to stress and mental health. He is Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry & Biobehavioral Sciences at UCLA’s School of Medicine, as well as the Director of the Raoul Wallenberg Institute of Ethics. www.drstephensideroff.com