What are the most important factors in establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself? We often hear it said that it’s impossible to love someone if you don’t first love yourself. There is definitely some truth to this statement. In fact, love and acceptance are at the heart of a good relationship with yourself.
If you are someone prone to making errors, or not paying attention, then getting angry with yourself and putting yourself down, will only cause more distress. You can either accept where you are and relax—or you can be upset by it, thus triggering frustration and anger that leave you less able to be fully present, which results in still more errors.
Not long ago, I was trying to untie a knot. When the knot didn’t respond to my initial tugging, I got impatient and pulled harder and faster. These efforts only served to entangle the cord more as I became frustrated that it wasn’t doing what I wanted. I then put more force into the manipulations. Matters kept getting progressively worse—frustration, anger, tension, more expenditure of energy, more knotting. “Why am I not getting the result I want?” I finally stopped, took a deep breath, sat back, and laughed as I realized what I was so angry about. “Wow, I’m getting angry at a cord, as if this will make a difference.” I had to remind myself that this cord wasn’t purposely frustrating me by staying tangled. It was simply being a cord. In this case, as I sat back and looked at the cord, I acknowledged its neutrality and focused specifically on accepting it as it is. I continued to breathe and focused on restoring a sense of calmness. I let go of my anger and antagonistic approach. From that place of calmness, I reengaged the process of untangling the knot. In no time, I was successful! Furthermore, I found that I actually enjoyed the process.
Moments like these are simple examples for me to reflect upon the value of acceptance—with myself and with the world around me. (I must also mention that such a big angry reaction might be a clue that I’m holding in anger from some unfinished business.
Self-acceptance allows for a greater ongoing sense of calmness, which is at the core of resilience. Other components of a good relationship with yourself include being compassionate, giving yourself support, taking good care of yourself, and feeling as though you are deserving. You must be able to forgive yourself when you make mistakes. In fact, you should be striving for unconditionally loving yourself. It is also important to be able to take in your achievements and the compliments of others. This is your source of emotional nourishment.
In addition, it’s important to be willing to set boundaries for yourself and be firm when necessary. We might refer to these latter characteristics as the masculine qualities of your internal voice.
Dr. Stephen Sideroff is an internationally recognized expert in resilience, optimal performance, addiction, neurofeedback and alternative approaches to stress and mental health. He is Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry & Biobehavioral Sciences at UCLA’s School of Medicine, as well as the Director of the Raoul Wallenberg Institute of Ethics. www.drstephensideroff.com